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Only the truly mediocre are always at their best,
and that certainly applies to barbecue, because after all, barbecue
is an art – not a science. I’m sure that even Michelangelo was not
cranking out Davids every day. Heck, even Willie Nelson spewed out
“To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before.” It was probably said best by
the seemingly invincible Jim “Catfish” Hunter after he lost a world
series game: “The sun don’t shine on the same dog’s ass every day.”
Barbecue is not a pretentious food. “The more simpler the better.”
Basically, it is slow–cooked over hardwood coals for hours. It is
that simple. Now, different places have their own variations on that
theme, but if you don’t have those essential elements, you don’t
have barbecue. Or as Pete Jones put it, “If it ain’t got wood, it
ain’t barbecue.”
That might seem obvious, but you would be surprised at what some try
to pass off as barbecue. As in any art form, there are no rules, but
there are a couple of red flags that you should be aware of.
- Chains – To be avoided, for so many, many reasons, at all cost.
Stick with their burgers and extreme fajitas. Never, under any
circumstances, order their ribs. They are probably grilled over gas
and doused with some overly–sweet, nasty sauce.
- The word Barbecue, or some derivation thereof, should appear in
the name of the joint. That is not to say that they can’t serve
other things, but the shorter the menu the better. That said, never
order barbecue from a place that has an extensive menu, which by the
way, includes barbecue. Even if they do give it a cutsesy name like
“ribbletts”.
- One thing that’s a lead pipe cinch is the bread. We are not
talking the finest crusty, whole grain wheat that you have to eat
now because it will be stale in an hour. Quite the contrary. We are
talking bleached white, void of flavor, chemically altered to last
an ice age or two. After all, it is that spongy quality that is
perfect for sopping up barbecue sauce,
- Sauces are not necessary if the meat is cooked right. They should
be used sparingly, preferably on the side. If a place drenches its
ribs and que in sauce there is probably a very good reason. If by
chance they serve up generous portions drenched in barbecue sauce on
a crusty Kaiser roll. Get Out. Get out fast. If you do get caught by
an officer of the law for running out on your tab and various other
traffic infractions, simply explain the situation. Not only will
they let you off, but they will probably offer a high–speed escort
with light flashing and sirens blaring to a worthy establishment.
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